shall we gather at the river?

It's not often that you find within yourself a hint of that which you are fighting so strongly against. When you do, it causes you to shudder, to cue a splatter-flick scream, to grab a razor blade and cut the tell-tale heart from your body...or it simply causes you to chuckle that you aren't perfect, but are learning. The latter happened to me this weekend as I attended a party thrown by some friends from church. I was playing ball with their son, going out on paddle boats, eating, etc., when suddenly someone yells 'there's gonna be a baptism!' Now, of course, having endured the brunt of many jokes involving 'baptism' and large pools of water in my childhood, I assumed it was a joke. The smirk on my pastor-friend's face, however, told me otherwise. Instantly, the flesh inside me began to squirm. It's as if a switch were turned on in my mind - I began to rationalize every excuse not to go over to the water. My mind screamed at me that THIS WAS WRONG. Baptisms are to be done in church, right? Just who did my friend think he was, interrupting a good party to baptize someone? And then squirm number two occured. It was not only a 'someone', but two someones: my friends who were hosting the party! These were two upstanding, committed members of the church. They had been active church-going Christians for a long time. Why? What possessed them to do this now, on a RIVER of all places? Why not in a baptismal, in front of 'church people', like a 10 year old boy had done the night before (which, I was to discover later, was the motivation for my friends to finally make the decision in the first place)? Then I felt another feeling:

Shut up.

What?

SHUT UP!

"...and as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the
eunuch said, 'See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?' And he
commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip
and the eunuch, and he baptized him." Acts 8:36, 38

Yeah, that's from the Bible, not my head, just in case you were wondering...however, it did pop into my head as these objections were springing up in me. All of the tradition and bias and 'religious thinking' that was influencing me...it just melted away in the light of Truth. This is church - people gathering to celebrate the greatness of God. Not the singing and order of service and proclamation of the Word we call 'worship' (although those are all expressions of and fruit produced by worship), church is people sitting at the feet of God and soaking up His wonder - even if it is at the mouth of a river.

glory AND fire

So, this Charlie Hall song I listened to before my missions experiences this summer referenced santification by glory and by fire. I am slowly learning what this means - and it is one of the most painful and yet joyful experiences in the world (no, I have not converted to sadism - keep reading). This week I am working with a church (not my regular assignment) that I have little desire to work with. Through a variety of complicated circumstances, my missions partner and I have committed to working with a pastor to reach his community. We are over our heads. This pastor has family troubles, the church is dying, and the area is intimidating. We, no... I, am struggling every step of the way with a desire to quit - not because the job is hard, but because this church is not traveling in the direction that I want to place my efforts. Their passion is to grow their church (by this I mean keep their church alive), at the expense of seemingly-open doors if need be. My passion, on the other hand, is to challenge the status quo and reach people even IF it requires mixing things up. Yet I myself question both these passions as secondary, and perhaps even incorrect. My passion must be Christ - His name being echoed in every corner of the earth. I must serve this pastor even if it hurts. That is what glory and fire means. Some days I will be dancing before God in exuberant awe, and some days I will be writhing in pain. I think we too often focus on one or the other: seeing God either only when things are going well and we want to 'get our praise on' as some gospel singers like to put it, or thinking we must run this gauntlet of purgatory to become like Christ. Instead, we must see both as ingredients in a larger plan - our santification for God's renown. God has given me a trial this week to honor Him through, and He has given me reasons to praise Him for limitless grace and love shown to me in a thousand places. This is proof that love hurts - but what a sweet Love it is.

re connections

I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine from back home. We had a wonderful conversation. I guess that's been an interesting product of my stay on the mission field long term - seeing the growth and change in my friends lives from a disconnected perspective. I have to talk to them without ever seeing them, ever taking them out to lunch or staying up late and watching a movie together. It's almost like life, distilled. How do you relate to someone who isn't living life with you everything that's been going on? Words can't describe where I've been, what I've felt, or what I've done - which brings me to the conclusion at hand.

This is going to be an interesting homecoming.

Seriously, if I've realized one thing more than anything else this summer, it's that when I said goodbye to my friends before leaving for Maryland, I was saying goodbye to them for good - because in a way, they're dead. My friends as I once knew them are dead. This summer has changed those I once knew so much: maturing many, humbling some, changing all. And the scary thing is, I'm not immune. I am as much a changed man as any of them are. My experiences on mission have made me more retless than ever, but are slowly building in me a love for people, and not just change. I am realizing that I am not a fluke - God made me to speak, to serve, to lead and to support. Do you get that!?! God really does have a purpose for me! It' s like putting together a 5000 piece puzzle, and finally getting the border right - you don't know the picture yet, but you have a shape, some color, and a direction. God's direction is a beautiful thing.